Breaking News

In a move that has stunned baseball fans worldwide, shortly after signing Mark Teixeira to a multi-year 180 million dollar contract, the Yankees bought baseball.

No, I'm not referring to those little white, round thingies.

The Yankees bought Baseball. The game. Worldwide. Reactions range from ecstatic to suicidal. Terry Francona, manager of the Boston Yankees, was heard to say, "I figured this was inevitable eventually. I had hoped that John Henry would manage to at least come away with half of Baseball, but I guess this is it."

Michael Young, shortstop for the Texas Yankees, was actually more upbeat about it. "Maybe we'll finally be able to afford some pitching now," he was heard to say.

One of the first projects that will be taken on is the tearing down of every major league baseball park and rebuilding them to be exact replicas of Yankee Stadium. The first, of course, will be Fenway Park, mainly because the Steinbrenners are sick of hearing about how it's "America's most loved ball park," and "the oldest ball park in America." No more of that. And no more domes. "If we can play in an open stadium in New York, then everyone should have to," said Hank Steinbrenner. "Why the *bleep* do they need a dome in Tampa, anyway? It's never cold there." I guess no one told Hank it rains every day at 2pm in Florida.

It has yet to be determined how teams will be told apart when they play each other, since all teams will now be wearing pinstripes. And there will certainly be duplicate numbers on those uniforms, as well. "There are still a lot of details to be worked out," said Hank. "Not the least of which is deciding who gets to win the World Series each year." Of course, they have now made it certain that the Yankees will win every World Series from now on.

Anyone who attempts to form another league playing Baseball, will be sued and made to cease immediately. Many players are thinking of taking up cricket.

There are only two positive outcomes to this scenario that I can see.

1. Scott Boras will no longer have a job, because agents are no longer necessary.

2. Bud Selig will also be unemployed, because the Steinbrenners will now be making all the rules.

After hearing of this development, Jerry Jones began contemplating the possibility of buying Football. Mark Cuban has begun counting up his assets as well. Ironically, no one is interested in buying Soccer, and the over-riding sentiment seems to be that the Canadians can have Hockey.

TTFN, y'all.